We live, we lose, we learn.
I’m a smart cookie, but a cookie that moves with her heart and not always her head. Who will love and lose and hide all at the same time.
I get so near to true regret, wishing I could take away all that I gave and the usage I received in return.
I look at my current situation and I see a naive girl that watched life come together and fall apart at the same time. Pushing myself firmly out of the nest with the realization that the nest had actually crumbed and fallen to the ground some time ago. I’d been perched on the branch, alone and waiting for some time. It was okay to fly, even if it was a frightening prospect littered with doubts about my wings.
They work. Like a lot of birds, I run into doors and windows repeatedly from time to time. The damage thus far, minimal.
Then love. Yea. I fell there. I ignored the signs, the obvious red flags. I loved my heart away, as I am apt to do. I had it returned in little pieces. I’m still trying to shove those little pieces back at him, and even though he used and returned them dirty and broken, with a few bits missing — I’d love to keep tossing them back at him, even though he sends them back by wiffle bat, every time.
There’s something to giving that it so hard for me to shake. I love without regular bias because I just never could get myself to believe that the stigmas and expectations so prevalent in LA society were really the answer. You have nothing? I have nothing… I have me, and I love YOU. Not your car, not your wallet. I love what you gave, and it was a damn lot more than you realize.
I’m young, and like my mother said when I lamented shortly that my love had been lost… "focus on your career". But my family was starting their family and me at this age. My 25th will remind me that I was born at that exact time in my parent’s life. The true anniversary and understanding of being, and as a maternally minded young woman, it will burn to know that I am nowhere close to a family.
It will burn to realize that for all my doubt — I very much want a family. I very much want a partner. Living alone has taught me that whether it’s possible or not, I don’t think I’m meant to do this all alone.
For the time being, I can put my shambles on hold and find things to be busy with — and try not to hurt wondering if it’s years down the line that things change or get better/worse.
I love the idea and the success of living alone, but coming home to my empty apartment is harder than I thought it would be. The initial joy of the idea of it has worn. I want to share it. I find it sad that even a work e-mail elates me and gives me purpose. As much as I feign hatred for the constant communication, it’s my sole reason d’etre maintenent.
He used to have so many lists and categories I topped. And now, when I am shy about a way I could help, he tells me who is the more well-spoken the most this and that. I wonder how I became just good enough to… you know. To use at my offering.
I wonder sometimes how people can accept gifts they aren’t willing to deserve. How the phrase "but I never ASKED for that" has ANY bearing on the situation. So inconsequential. So misleading. Missing the point.
I’m good at that. Missing the point.
Missing the point.